Women in Tech - Lets Keep the Anger Gun Pointed in the Right Direction

Two nights ago Jason Calacanis posted this on his Twitter account (@jason):

It’s not overly shocking as this is Calacanis’ standard schtick of getting attention anyway possible, usually with a thin facade of caring about whatever the current issue is. That being said, many women who have been working hard on trying to crack the gender issues in tech after the latest GitHub firebomb were understandable upset. Calacanis is trying to steal the focus of the horrible RadiumOne story and take over a discussion that was never and should never be his to own.

I came upon all of the intense conversation that followed a few hours late. By then the primary voices had taken a Twitter break but as I was catching up on the conversation one thing someone said struck me as unproductive (out of the many many good things everyone said). Here’s the exact tweet:

At the time I too was fired up by Calacanis’ decision after being fired up about the latest from GitHub and I had a gut reaction to that tweet. I thought that generalizations of women is a core element in this tech gender madness, so having the side of reason throwing around generalizations about ”almost no / all men” seemed misguided at best and at worst, counter productive to the goal of getting more men to speak out on this issue. I replied:

After I had a moment to calm down I thought about the original tweet and thought that maybe I fired that off a little quickly as, she wasn’t ridiculously far off the mark (sadly) and the restrictions of Twitter may have made that seem like a stronger generalization than it was probably meant to be…but I still think we should be very very careful of generalizations so I cautiously left it alone. Moments later, I was called out on it in nearly the same way I called out myself internally:

I quickly consented:

What followed was what I considered a great conversation about the issue, Calacanis is particular and what can be done to get more men to speak out on the gender issues in tech. I felt a little attacked or misunderstood at some points along the way, but I knew the issue was a hot one, especially at that moment, and one that women will always naturally have more ownership of, so I made an effort to stay focused on the discussion.

…and then, 24 hours later I get this:

Feel free to click the link, but here’s a pull quote:

I’ve heard this counter-argument almost every single time I’ve tried to bring up a feminist issue with a man: “but not all men are like that!”

I know.  Not all men are rapists.  Not all men abuse their significant others.  Not all men actively oppress women.  I get it.  Moving on.

However, generalizations about women–along with misogyny as a whole–can lead to rape, murder, abuse, belittling, harassment, wage gaps, and handfuls of other harmful things.  Generalizations about men cause hurt feelings.

Having to point out that not every man exhibits explicitly harmful behavior allows for oppression to continue because having to say “some men do harmful things” gives oppressors peace of mind.  It reassures them, falsely, that only a small portion of men behave in a way that is detrimental to the liberation of groups outside of white men (so, most people).  It reassures them that said white men don’t have to critique their own behavior or think long and hard about why their shitty behavior is damaging to everyone else.

When you say, “not all men are like that!” what you’re really saying is, “I don’t want to have to think about my privilege as a white man, so I’m going to try to defer the blame to other guys because I clearly don’t act like that.”

To equate this to what I said (and took back) is superficial at best, and to say that generalizations about men only cause “hurt feelings” is displaying the same bullshit that this article is claiming to be fighting. Try asking a guy who was on a sports team or fraternity in college that people said “they are all rapists” if there was more than hurt feelings. Naturally throughout history there are more hurtful things that can be said about women than men, but that “article” is a logical leap too far…but who cares? If that author wants to believe that, she can. What was bullshit is someone out there who doesn’t know a fucking thing about me other than the fact that I stood up and was 100% in agreement with her on the issue at hand, and then turns around and paints me with this “white man guilt” brush?! How is that any different than some one saying “All women talking about gender issues in tech are just pissed off about not knowing enough to kill the technical interview?” I didn’t even come close to saying that every time you say something about men you need to say some men, but implying “no men” or “almost no men” care about the issue isn’t helpful and minimizes those that do care and are helping. To bring it back to this exact conversation, if you want to imply anything, why not imply more men disagree with sexism like that? Further more, why does it have to be one generalization or the other? Generalizations are bad. Period. And finally, I would agree that someone who’s only argument is “not all men” is arguing less than the minimum, but 1. that’s not what happened in this situation, and 2. I wasn’t arguing! I was on their freaking side!

Yes, there were definitely hurt feelings that came with that association. I’ll get over it. What is even more sad is that this is the same group that is asking over and over again about why more men don’t stand up and help on this issue. How many men won’t stand up now in fear of having shit like this happen to them? It won’t stop me from speaking up again, but even if it stops one man from speaking up, then this is a huge fuck up and hurt the cause. It sounds obvious, but maybe not: You can’t ask for help and then shit on the people who come to help. Not everyone on one side will 100% agree, the important thing is that you agree on the primary goal. It’s like asking for someone to put out your fire and then complain about the brand of bottled water they had on them. Most men will never say the 100% right thing on this issue because empathy is the best we can do as we don’t know exactly what it’s like to be in that situation, but any kind of in-fighting is just sad and takes away from the very issue we are all working so hard to fight for.